Ridge Insights - July 2008
Defensiveness
Ridge Insights
A monthly e-brief from Ridge Training
Date: July 28, 2008
To subscribe: http://www.ridge.com/Pub_Newsltr.html
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What We're Thinking About – Defensiveness
"Who, me?"
Yes, you. The seeds of defensiveness--those automatic, emotional reactions to a perceived threat--are within all of us. Unfortunately, with enough water, the seeds of defensiveness start to sprout. On good days, it might take a downpour, but on bad days, when defensiveness is close to the surface, it only takes a drop of rain for people's defensiveness to break through the surface. Defensiveness takes many different forms (criticism, blaming, denial, guilt, whining, etc.), but all the dynamics of defensiveness in a relationship have a striking sameness to them. Once someone has fired the first shot, it's far too easy to fire back. "Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side," said the writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. Defensiveness often begets defensiveness, escalating the conflict. Far too quickly the conversation poisons the task at hand, the relationship, and the larger group of which the relationship is a part.
After studying hundreds of couples, psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman (http://www.gottman.com) is able to predict, with 91 percent accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. He does this after only five minutes of hearing a couple argue. One of the key factors in his prediction is evidence of defensiveness. At work, defensiveness is a significant factor in problem performance, employee attrition, and team dysfunction. Defensiveness distorts and muddies communication--and can eventually take up permanent residence in a relationship. So while defensiveness is in some ways inevitable, we can take positive steps to prevent it and manage it.
RESPONDING TO DEFENSIVENESS IN OTHERS
Most of us simply aren't expecting the other person to send a shot across our bow when it happens. Our knee-jerk reaction is to fire back, or run for cover with our own defensive responses. If you can, however, make the choice to not to water those seeds of defensiveness. What can you do instead of reacting defensively?
1. Listen
You can't truly listen and be defensive at the same time. The process of trying to understand the other person, and walk in their shoes, drains the defensiveness out of your system. Restate in a more neutral tone what you're seeing and hearing. "Looks like you're pretty upset about..."Then pause, and listen some more. Don't talk about your own perspective yet.
2. Don't take it personally
There's a lot more going on than you know. Take the time to understand, through listening, where the other person is coming from.
3. Speak neutrally
Avoid being absolutist, accusatory, or snide. Instead, explain as simply as possible your understanding of the situation and your intent. Then listen some more.
4. Evaluate the conversation
Your goal is to manage your part of the relationship and the results. If it seems like this conversation would be better handled later, suggest rescheduling it. If you do keep going, continue to evaluate whether the conversation is leading toward productive relationships and results.
MANAGING YOUR OWN DEFENSIVENESS
While not reacting to others' defensiveness can be tricky, preventing your own defensive reaction can be even tougher. It takes ongoing work to manage your mind and your speaking.
1. Manage your mind
Defensiveness is the automatic emotional reaction to a perceived threat, but who decides whether something constitutes a threat? You do. You don't make a conscious decision to get defensive; it just happens. But if you can become aware of when you are defensive, you can ask yourself why you feel threatened, and prevent a defensive reaction from breaking through the surface. You can learn a lot after you have reacted defensively. Think back on what was getting under your skin; what are other ways to look at the situation?
2. Manage your speaking
Upset about something? Don't build a case to make the other person wrong. Most anger comes from misunderstanding. Explain your position with an invitation to learn more about what the other person is thinking or feeling.
3. Listen
Without forget your issue, try to learn something from the other person--even if you don't agree with them. When you're able to restate the other person's position accurately, let it influence you. And then respond.
While defensiveness takes a toll on results and relationships, at the same time it provides opportunity to grow and develop. To learn more about defensive behavior and how to prevent and manage it, go to "Overcoming the Destructive Dynamics of Defensiveness," available in the Articles section of our web site. (http://www.ridge.com/Pub_Article.html)
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Copyright 2008 - Ridge Associates, Inc. - All Rights Reserved.
Copyright 2008 Ridge Associates, Inc. All Rights Reserved.