Ridge Insights - June 2008
Raising Difficult Issues
Ridge Insights
A monthly e-brief from Ridge Training
Date: June 20, 2008
To subscribe: http://www.ridge.com/Pub_Newsltr.html
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WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT - RAISING DIFFICULT ISSUES
These are the conversations that bring dread: performance problems, unresolved conflicts, difficult feedback, bad news. We expect the worst and sometimes create it by not being at our best. Or we perpetuate the problem by not having the dreaded conversation. Yet problems don't get better when they're avoided. Usually they get worse. Such is the power of dread; the inertia it creates becomes a secondary problem. The lack of communication magnifies the performance problem or conflict.
No magic elixir will help you guarantee the conversation will turn out well. Instead, you can learn how to manage your dread by getting tactical in preparing for the conversation.
1. Get your mind right.
2. Talk about facts, observations and behaviors.
3. Listen more than you talk.
While you can't control the outcome of the conversation, or the other person's reaction, you can control what you do to ensure that you have communicated clearly and treated the other person respectfully.
1. Get Your mind right.
You mind has been preparing for this conversation for a long time, but often not in helpful ways. If you've been dreading the conversation, your mind has been imagining some of the worst outcomes. Getting your mind right means changing the channel. Start tuning into what you want to have happen. Imagine what's realistic, rather than the worst possibilities.
2. Talk about facts, observations and behaviors.
By the time we get around to having these difficult conversations we've often made up our mind about the other person. "He lacks a sense of urgency." "She doesn't have good judgment." Watch out; these evaluative statements will take the conversation completely off track. You might feel like you're right, but the other person will spend a lot of time convincing you that you are wrong. So take a few step backs and explain the facts, observations or behaviors behind your conclusion. If you were to videotape the other person what would the instant replay show? With a lack of urgency you'd see the person turning in assignments after the deadline and responding to urgent e-mails days after they were received. With bad judgment you'd see the person making a decision without consulting stakeholders or the budget. When you describe observations and behaviors, the conversation becomes robust. You'll be talking about the real issues. Someone can argue about whether they lack a sense of urgency, but they can't argue about the fact that their assignments were turned in after the deadline.
3. Listen more than you talk.
Now that you've put a lot of thought into what you say, keep it short and sweet. The other person is not going to hear what you have to say anyway. The other person is preoccupied with his or her defense. It's not until that person feels heard that his or her mind opens to what you have to say. You don't have to agree with what has been said, or respect it, but you'll save a lot of time and energy if you can listen more than you talk. After the person's energy subsides, you can restate your observations and what you need. It's this cycle of speaking a little and listening a lot that will help you stay professional, keep your cool, and keep the conversation going. Eventually the person runs out of steam and you can shift the conversation to resolution.
Take a look at those conversations you're dreading. Choose action rather than dread. Take some time to get your mind right and the facts straight. Plan on listening rather than lecturing. The conversation will probably turn out differently than you expect. But when it's all over, see the difference it makes in you being at your best.
For a more in-depth article, go to our website and read Preparing for Difficult Conversations. http://www.ridge.com/Pub_Article.html
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Copyright 2008 - Ridge Associates, Inc. - All Rights Reserved.
Copyright 2008 Ridge Associates, Inc. All Rights Reserved.